Recently, a dear friend—
And at this point, gentle reader, I was interrupted not once but twice in a row by my impressively sized orange cat (Barry, short for The Red Baron), casually sauntering across my desk to plomp his not unsubstantial girth across both my mouse and keyboard, roll over, and demand affection.
Yes. Recently, a dear friend approached me with a conundrum. She needed my aid and judgement to solve a dilemma about her own cat, Lady [redacted, as the feline in question is currently wanted for upwards of 11 counts of mousie murder]. My friend was worried that “Lady” was far too low of a rank for a cat such as hers.
I walked her through the conventions and etiquette of both titles and which belong to which kinds of animals, and she pointed out that she was not the only one who could benefit from my expertise on the topic. And from such a conversation hath sprung this
~*~Most Definitive and Scientific Guide to Titles of Nobility for Pets~*~
Before I get into a list of titles, how they rank (in ascending order), and for what animals they are suited, I have a couple of CATveats that must be addressed:
Firstly, this list includes Western titles only. This is a necessity because my research is based on interviewing only pets who speak English.
Secondly, one must take into account that titles and forms of address do not always overlap. In the case of our dear Lady, for example, there’s no need to change her “name” by addressing her with a new title. Lady/Lord is frequently the appropriate form of address, with the rank following (e.g., our cat in question could easily be Lady [redacted], the Marchioness of Witness Protection, addressed as a lady and ranked as a marchioness).
(Secondly part B, the highest ranks will no longer be addressed as lady/lord. Think Princess, Prince, King, Queen, Duke, etc. But the bulk of the titles (especially the ones that are more fun to say) conveniently will use lord/lady.)
Thirdingston, there is *no limit* on the amount of ranks a pet can have. Take Britain’s crown prince, for example. As a wedding present, his Grammy Elizabeth made William the Duke of Cambridge, Earl of Strathearn, and Baron Carrickfergus. Then when his dad became king, he inherited a bunch more titles, each faker sounding than the preceding.
(Thirdingston the Second: any title, rank, or name with “Fergus” in it is only appropriate for orange or red pets.)
And finally, these title guidelines are exclusively for pet animals, not for working animals or farm animals, since nobles don’t do real work or contribute to society.
And finally-lastly, what if in reading this you discover that you have made a mistake in naming a pet? What do you do? That, dear gentle reader, I answer at the end (or you can click here to jump to the assuagementington of your anxietion).
Without further ado and with much fanfare, here is The Guide:
First the Gentry (self-declared fancy people):
Gentleman/Gentlewoman – landed gentry. Most appropriate for animals of any species who meet at least two of the following criteria: full of themselves, violent, territorial.
Esquire/Squire – appropriate for any horse, for any dog who is particularly helpful, or any cat who is not.
Sir/Dame – Any pet can earn a knighthood; just be prepared to answer on how/why it was awarded.
Baronet/Baronetess – reserved for tiny birds or draft horse breeds only, or an exceptionally fancy lizard.
Now, on to the Aristocracy (not to be confused with the Aristocats):
Baron/Baroness – A versatile title that can be held by any animal of sufficient majesty.
Viscount/Viscountess/Vicomte/Vicomtess – Reserved for reptiles or especially transgressive cats.
Earl/Countess/Count – Smaller and exotic mammals (think sugar gliders), or cats, snakes, or birds that really like to bite you.
Marquess/Marchioness/Marquis – As this title is held by a noble who holds territory near a border, it is exclusively for cats, especially Marchioness, in reference to their constantly wanting to go in-and-out-and-in-and-out and the natural offense they take towards a closed door.
Duke/Duchess – Dukes and Duchesses are usually dogs, occasionally a horse or snake. Oh, but I can hear you now asking, “What about the most famous Duchess of them all, the pretty white mommy cat from Disney’s The Aristocats?” Oh, gentle reader! Sadly, that movie is *a work of fiction*, unlike this strictly factual guide.
Prince/Princess – Any animal with the personality to pull it off.
Dauphin/Dauphine – Fish or animals that really like swimming and have the personality of an even posher prince/princess.
Archduke/Archduchess – This is the best title, as it was a product of Habsburg dynasty, made up so that their princes would outrank everyone else’s princes. While usually held by birds, any animal with either a plentitude of cunning or an exaggerated under bite may possess it.
King – Appropriate for dogs, horses, snakes, or birds that look like Elvis.
Queen – Cats only. Other species can be “Queenie” but never a queen. This one is extra scientific as it is rooted in biology.
Tsar/Tsarina; Czar/Czarina – Tsar for birds and reptiles. Czar for mammals. No Russian titles for fish because if you empty a bottle of vodka in the tank, they won’t survive.
Kaiser/Kaiserin – Dogs who take themselves quite seriously but can’t help being dopey.
Augustus/Augusta – Dogs, cats, and reptiles. Occasionally a horse. To give this title to a bird is a faux pas.
Caesar – Spiny looking lizards and birds; round dogs who look like they have eaten too much pizza.
Emperor/Empress – Any animal with sufficient might may lay claim to claim this title.
Q) What do you do if you accidentally gave your pet an inappropriate title?
No problem—it’s a non-hereditary title that they were made, not born into. A spot of aristocratic eccentricity. Their offspring won’t inherit it, and polite society will overlook it.
And if that’s not good enough for you? Just wait for your naughty pet to misbehave, and use that as justification for their inappropriate title to be attainted. Once sufficiently rePETntant, your animal friend can be rewarded for improved behavior with a new, more appropriate title.
Overall, it is far more appropriate for pets to have titles than people. I mean, just look at the poor British, propping up a human family as mascots. Now that’s just embarrassing.
And speaking of embarrassment, hopefully this comprehensive, scientifically sound article will prevent your pet from being the laughingstock of the non-livestock domestics!
